OK hands up: who has been a patient in a hospital? Who’s enjoyed their stay immensely with only the very fondest of memories? Wait, what? No one? Am I the only one left with my hand still up? It’s kind of embarrassing to admit, and I’m pretty sure that after this week’s piece, you’ll be questioning your loyalty to me, but I really enjoy a hospital stay. It’s right up there with a spa getaway.
*Disclaimer: the above sentiment only applies when I’m the patient. I spent two weeks in the hospital with sweet little Matthew when he had Kawasaki disease, and there was no worse experience than being the parent of a sick, hospitalized child.
I guess it all started when I had my babies. I would spend a few days recovering from my c-section, while kind nurses doted on me and took care of my every need around the clock, and then I got to bring home the best party favor ever! What can compare to that? Really, the memories are grand. So, when between March 2018 and September 2019, I was forced to spend a total of 13 days in the hospital for less fun reasons, I didn’t complain. In fact, I relished it.
Let me list the joys for you:
1) I get a room all to myself. That hasn’t happened since I got married over 27 years ago.
2) I can turn the thermostat down to my favorite temperature, a balmy 59º. My family makes me feel bad when I try this at home.
3) I have complete control of the clicker so I can watch anything I want at any time of the day or night. That certainly never happens at home. (Except when the husband’s away….)
4) I can choose to take a nap whenever I so desire. I’ve got nowhere I need to be. I have no calls to return, no errands to run. All I have to do is concentrate on my own recovery, which is super easy when I’m not required to do anything for anybody.
5) Every meal is brought to me and then cleaned up right after. I just have to place an order. That doesn’t happen anywhere else in the world. At home or even on vacation, I’m still taking orders and cleaning up after everyone.
6) I can have chocolate pudding every night. Seriously, how are people not lining up for an overnight stay?
7) People send me beautiful bouquets just because. No one ever brings me flowers at home, but in my hospital room I’m surrounded by gorgeous floral arrangements. Except for my funeral, I’m assuming there is no other occasion where this will happen.
8) The pain meds. I’m a big fan. No joke. I only take what’s prescribed, but oh boy do I enjoy them. First, I get the heavy eyelids and tongue, then the warm and fuzzies, followed by what can only be described as the best sleep of my life. I actually sleep better in a hospital than I do anywhere else on earth, including a spa. Never mind the around-the-clock checks on my vitals. Never mind the changing of the IV bags, which never coincides with the vitals checks. Never mind the early morning blood draws, which never coincide with either of the above. I fall back to sleep as soon as the nurse turns off the light and leaves the room. I get a solid 10-12 hours of sleep. Every single doctor who sees me on morning rounds openly marvels as they awaken me from a deep and contented snoring slumber. I’m always happy and well-rested because I’m never in pain. Thank you, dear pain meds.
9) I have a strict “no visitors” policy so I don’t feel any pressure to entertain. This way, I can hang out happily bra-free and high as a kite. I do allow my husband and kids to see me, of course. And my mom, because she’s the very best visitor anyone can ask for. She shows up every morning by 10 o’clock in her parka just in time to join me for “Hoda and Jenna”; she happily shares my daily tuna sandwich and baked chips for lunch (plus, red Jell-O for me because, you know, I maximize my enjoyment wherever I can); and then she takes the mandatory afternoon nap along with me without my even having to ask! That’s why I ban all other visitors. Most people don’t understand the rules, and I don’t want anything messing with my perfect schedule.
10) Everyone is on their best behavior around me. For example, when my kids come to visit, there is no complaining or fighting. It’s all polite chit-chat. And they come with their own snacks because they know I’m not going to share my Jell-O or pudding. (I have, however, been known to order an extra apple juice for Matthew because he was just so darn cute.)
A hospital stay is a break from life. For as long as I can remember I’ve been the mom, taking of everything in the world for literally everyone I know. There’s not much time left for self-care. There are only two places where self-care reigns supreme: a spa and the hospital. But your insurance doesn’t cover your spa weekend, so the hospital wins out! In the hospital, unlike anywhere else, I’m the boss of my leisure time, choosing what I want to do (where the only choices are sleep, eat and watch TV). I’m spoiled by saintly nurses who clean up every spill and refill my cup of ice chips and water before I even have to ask. Plus, I get to see whom I want by a strict invitation-only policy. Can’t you see why I think it’s heavenly?
After reviewing my ten points of pleasure, you must now agree that a hospital stay sounds pretty spectacularly fabulous. So, the next time you are told that you need to spend some time there, think of me and how jealous I’d be! Lie back in your adjustable bed, take those pain meds offered to you, and enjoy some of the best pampering of your life. Because there is really no other place where you’re spoiled quite like at a hospital.
This cracked me up! Reminds me of the 8th grade essay I turned in with the prompt "What was the best day of your life?" and my topic being the day I got hernia surgery when I was younger. My teacher was initially confused, but I explained that I got to watch movies all day, eat at my favorite restaurants, get pushed in a wheelchair down a hill, and my parents took me to a comic book store so I could buy some books and toys for recovery. Not too bad if you ask me!