The C-Word
Since March is Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month, I want to urge all my readers to take extra care of their guts. Plus, I’ll provide a few handy tips to make doing so easier!
Today we’re going to talk about the C-word. Actually, I’m going to be talking about a whole bunch of C-words, none of which are any fun. But the one we’re going to concentrate on is Colonoscopy. Yup, if you’re over 45, or 40 with heightened risk, it’s time to get the dirty deed done if you haven’t already. Admittedly, there are a bunch of nasty C-words associated with this topic: Colorectal Cancer, Crohn’s, and Colitis; and a simple Colonoscopy can help you prevent all of those. So as far as lousy C-words go, Colonoscopy isn’t so bad. I was diagnosed with acute Ulcerative Colitis two years after my first, pretty much perfect, colonoscopy. So, this is a cautionary tale to listen to your body, get tested as often as necessary, and don’t ignore the warning signs.
Not only do I enjoy hospital stays (see The Hospital Vacay), but I really don’t mind the whole colonoscopy thing, which I guess is fortunate since I need to do it every other year. The worst part is that it takes up two days, but the procedure itself, which you get to nap through, is lovely. So, if you can just get through the prep, you’re golden! Don’t worry - I’m here to help.
The Prep. I’ll grant you; it’s not rainbows and unicorns, but of all the unpleasant things we must endure, this is really low on the list. Unpleasant is childbirth. Unpleasant is when your husband gets a cold. Unpleasant is when your flight is canceled, and you’re stuck at the airport with a screaming baby and only one remaining diaper. Unpleasant is being called to school to pick up your kid with lice. Unpleasant is getting Covid (another dirty C-word).
See what I mean? I’m telling you; colonoscopies really aren’t all that unpleasant. If you’re getting to that age, just go ahead and make the appointment. I promise you’ll thank me. First, you lose like eight pounds overnight. Don’t get too excited - it won’t stay off, but for one day your tummy feels really flat. You wake up from the procedure feeling completely refreshed and empty, quite like I imagine you’d feel after a cleanse (another C-word) that for some reason people choose to do voluntarily. Go figure.
So, here’s my guide to a pain-free prep.
1) The basics. First, follow the instructions to avoid nuts, seeds and popcorn for a week or two leading up to the procedure. You don’t want those little pieces hiding out in the nooks and crannies of your digestive tract. And ibuprofen may cause bleeding, so stay away from the Advil and Motrin for the proscribed time.
2) The food. For the few days leading up to the prep, you’d be wise to avoid all those healthy foods that you feel compelled to eat daily - high fiber, whole grains, green leafy veggies. Instead, reach for anything made with bleached flour. That’s right, the white carbs you always deny yourself are your best friend for a few days. That’s the stuff you want passing easily through your pipes during the prep. The hearty healthy bulky stuff sticks around longer and makes the cleansing process that much more tedious. So go crazy and see if your local store still carries Wonder Bread!
3) The prep. Today, there are all kinds of new drinks and even a pill option that make the process significantly less vile. Back in the day of the jug, I would’ve just advised you to plug your nose, gulp it as quickly as possible and hope for the best. But now, all the rules have relaxed. You can even have a small breakfast on the fast day. A scrambled egg or a piece of toast is permitted. Personally, I refrain because I get a cheap thrill out of getting an A+ on my prep, but if it’s all the same to you, go ahead and indulge in a last slice of that Wonder Bread since you’ll probably be throwing it out tomorrow anyway. The rest of the day it’s clear liquids for you. As for getting things moving along, I tried the pills my last time and that was pretty much pain free, but not all insurances cover it so you must check with your doctor ahead of time. However, I must warn you, even this method is not for everyone. You must swallow in quick succession 12 horse-sized pills followed by a gallon of water and do it all again hours later. But at least it’s tasteless, which is a plus for me. My husband prefers the jars and finds that method quick, effective and easy peasy. He also always scores an A+ on his prep. So, the choice is yours!
4) The bathroom. Since you’ll be spending more time there than you’d normally choose, you may as well make it as warm and inviting as possible. I prefer a spa-like feel, so I light candles before I start my prep and then when I enter my softly glimmering and sweet-smelling commode, it makes me feel welcome and relaxed.
5) The toilet. I have a bidet attachment on my toilet, and it’s my favorite seat in the house because of it. While you might resist the idea of making such a permanent change on your own throne, I’m telling you it’s the best $36 you’ll ever spend. The Luxe Bidet is available on Amazon, and easy to install. It sits under your toilet seat attaches to the water line behind it. Not only will you never again fear running out of toilet paper during the next pandemic, but your colonoscopy prep will be forever improved. There is simply nothing better than a cool spritz of water on your busy bottom on prep night. You’ll thank me!
So, there you have it - all my secrets. But let’s not keep them secret. Feel free to share them on social media and print them up to leave at your doctor’s office. While this Jaunt might not have been everyone’s cup of tea, I thought a little public service announcement was warranted. I want to make sure all my readers are relaxed and comfortable while remaining vigilant about your health. You’re welcome!
I have to admit that I looked up the Luxe on Amazon! : ) And I'm with you, prep isn't so bad and you lose weight for a day or two!! Woohoo!